The World Commerce Turnpike
October 19, 2013 § Leave a comment
The World Commerce Turnpike is a highway reserved for trucks carrying the worlds’ food and maintenance supplies. Most of the traffic is pickup trucks. There are a few diesel bobtail trucks of various bed sizes and one specially built oversize eighteen wheeler semi, the USA Express.
The USA Express employs two drivers, Danny Demo and Gary Goper who alternate according to an irregular schedule as drivers. They argue constantly, like a married couple who long ago exhausted ways to torment each other and are reduced to repeating, over and over, the same hackneyed scripts. One issue which sparks the most intense disagreements is the choice of truck stops at which to pause, rest and socialize with like-minded patrons. Danny prefers a chain called the Keynes Kan-Do Korner which Gary hates. Gary is passionate about the VonHayek Serfers Roadhouse which Danny regards as a haven for the deranged.
One day, a few months ago, Gary was driving through Texas. He saw, standing at a crossroad, a well dressed young man, grinning and waving excitedly, obviously needing a ride. To Danny the grin looked more like a smirk and he thought he saw a disturbing resemblance to another hitchhiker named Joe they picked up many years ago who turned out to be an insufferable demagogue and hate monger. But before he could state his protest, Gary stopped and welcomed the new passenger into the truck.
The newcomer had hardly settled into his seat before he began pontificating about issue after issue in ways that were somewhat unsettling to both Gary and Danny. He introduced himself as Ted Cruz and lost no time before informing his cab mates that he was smart, educated at an Ivy League university and, though born in Canada, regarded himself as an authentic Texan. He also claimed to have superior talent as a truck driver and begged for a chance to prove it.
His directed his most intense hostility toward the ACA Health Center, a new medical facility located some miles down the road. Taking full advantage of his captured audience, he delivered a obviously well rehearsed jeremiad about the health center, declaring that, if allowed to open, it would threaten the world with every conceivable plague and horror. He said that he regarded blocking the entrance to the ACA Health Center his duty bound mission. He concluded with a demand that he take over the wheel.
As Danny watched in dismay, Gary, apparently gobsmacked by the force of Cruz’s oratory, brought the truck to a stop and surrendered the wheel to Cruz. Cruz expertly guided the giant truck back on to the Turnpike and, as he up-shifted into higher gears and increased speed, he continued to regale his passengers with his dire predictions about the ACA Health Center.
For a few miles Gary and Danny began to relax and inure themselves to listening to Cruz’s babbling. Soon, however, they both noticed that traffic ahead was becoming congested and that slowing the Express was necessary to avoid endangering the drivers and vehicles crowding the Turnpike. Cruz, seemingly oblivious to this problem, continued to increase speed, saying that his only interest was to reach the entrance to the ACA Health Center in time to block its entrance.
As a disastrous collision became more and more imminent, both Gary and Danny stopped listening to Cruz and began frantically trying to wrest control over the truck away from him. Finally, Gary shoved Cruz aside, grabbed the wheel and stomped on the brake. The huge truck began to jackknife as brakes squealed and tirees skidded. Drivers in trucks ahead began to veer toward the ditches as their rear view mirrors were filled with terrifying images of the Express bearing down on them.
At the last moment, the front bumper of the Express came to a halt a few feet from the crowd of slower moving trucks in front of it. Cruz was forcefully ejected from the driver’s seat. He exited without apology, still talking obsessively about the terrible harm about to occur because he did not reach the entrance to the ACA center.
Gary and Danny looked at each other, sweat beaded on their foreheads, both needing to stop at the next truck stop to change their underwear and reached a rare agreement: NO MORE CRUZ CONTROL ON THE TURNPIKE!